There are times when the immense expanse of the universe hits me. It tends to be when I try to imagine my own future, the person I want to become and the things I want to do. But then, all at once, everything becomes small, infinitesimal. I’m born, I fill my life with things, and then I die. I didn’t feel or do anything before, and there’s a more than even chance there’s nothing after.
I usually spend a good amount of time on this blog condensing that sort of feeling into something “creative”, a poem or some sort of Socratic dialogue. But it’s important to recognize the true enormity of that emotion, of that confrontation with existence. In The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus pointed out just how much strength of character it takes to live life while forever keeping that truth in mind – that we are born, that we die, and there’s a good chance the universe doesn’t care very much at all.
I said that’s a truth, but of course there are plenty of people who don’t see it that way. Rebirth, heaven, a benevolent God, a spiritual energy or life force – all of them are rooted in the desire for something more than this. And many aren’t simply running away from a negative fear. A search for God and immaterial purpose can be a positive thing, and it’s certainly a comfort to know that this isn’t it.
But there’s something in that vast existential feeling that I can’t run away from. I can’t choose the comfort of faith over the discomfort of what I can see. Perhaps it’s because I’m young, and I don’t yet need something to tell me that my life was worth it when it’s barely begun. Perhaps it’s because I’d rather choose the enemy I know than the invisible force that I can’t know until it’s too late.
Whatever the reason, I’ve begun to find a calm beauty in the indifference of the universe. For the longest time, I had seen Camus’ “truth” as something liberating, leaving the world a blank slate upon which to choose to be good and just, rather than following some divine architect. I saw it as my calling to rebel and struggle against the Absurdity of an indifferent universe, knowing I was doomed to fail. I saw it as my duty to fight for what I believed at every step, to seek to change the world at every opportunity.
But I suppose I see something much gentler in the human condition now. An indifferent universe doesn’t give us leave to just create goals and morals and strive for them. An indifferent universe gives us cause to remember that there is more that unites humanity than divides it. That it’s okay to face the immense weight of the galaxy with a beer and a beautiful song for company.
That it’s okay to not set out to change the world, but to just try and learn to live in it a little better each day.
The Galley with No Name 